A Whole New World!

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Heyyyy Readers Hayyyyyyyyy, Well it has been a while since I last posted. That’s because Snarkward was being readied for one of the changes that I talked about in my Updates post.

The writers here at Snarkward wanted to try something different for our 5th year (WTF 5 years already?) on the web and make the jump into print, well sort of. We tossed around the idea of pulling our blog post and making them book ready. That idea seemed lame and done before. We also thought about writing the first Snarky novel and putting parts of it on Snarkward. Then we realized that noooooobody finishes their novel and it’s not really us anyways. Finally with a cocktail in one hand and a cupcake in the other (we’re sophisticated) we realized and set upon our new direction, a cookbook.

Not just any cookbook though, a snarky cookbook. A cookbook, that hipsters and foodies will talk about at parties. A cookbook, full of desserts not deserts. A cookbook, full of left over Booze and new (?) mixed drinks. A cookbook, that makes you believe you are the best drunk baker in the WORLD! #KingOFTheWORLD

So, what does all this mean for Snarkward? Well, like any blog we are going to take you on our journey. We plan on telling you about making the recipes, our inspirations and struggles. We may even post a recipe for you from time to time, all with the goal of eventually putting our cookbook to press.

You may be asking yourself if we are going to change our “voice”, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm No! We will still be the same snarky B’s that you have grown to love. So, grab your favorite pimp cup and loosen your belt, things are about to get all crunk and sloppy up in here.

Herr Falco

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Merry late Christmas Story (Or the Baby Jesusmus edition)

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Every year crazy Auntie B invites me to her mega church to watch their Christmas story, and of course, every year I oblige her. I have often thought that Auntie B believes that if I go, the play will be so good that I will start watching Fox news and start fear mongering (with God’s blessing, of course) with them.

Auntie B promised me this year was going to be extra spectacular. Well, Auntie B was right. The play was #spectacular, spectacularly bad! So bad, that I cannot wait to tell you all about it.

Let’s start with the church’s setup or the play’s stage, if you will. Auntie B’s mega church has a sound system of such plenty, that any raver and their friend Molly would be twerking in the aisles for the lord, once the house (the Lord’s DJ- Moses) drops the beat. The church also took the time to include the handicapped (The deaf and those with A.D.D.) in this production by installing 3 HD projection screens that show exactly what is in front of you. Finally, the pièce de résistance, the lighting; we are talking full spectrum LED cans in the plenty, full motion lasers, gimbaled and synchronized multi lens projectors, strobes, did I list LASERS? I think you get the idea of what baby Jesusmus has brought to the yule tide table this year for the telling of his story.

This year’s play was about the making of the Baby Jesusmus manger story. A string of random people would come out to “Audition” for the Manger and through their over-shared, Maury Povich, life stories, we learned a baby jesusmus lesson.

Then the rock band would start to play, the choir would sing and I would be blinded by the light show. At one point, I was blinded by a laser.  After regaining my vision, I am sure I saw Matt Giraud swaying back and forth plying his velvety voice, for all the lusty church ladies. This is when my mind checked out till I was brought back to reality by an all female a cappella group that would have scared me straight (if I was gay). These ladies sounded so bad, I’m sure they mistook the crowd’s silence as reverence for their awesomeness and not for the sheer shock of what we were hearing.

Finally the whole Baby Jesusmus show came to an end and we all sauntered out of the worship hall. While trying to process the majesty that was just laid before me, Auntie B rushed over to accost me with questions; Did you like the show? How did you like the message? What was your favorite part? There is another showing tomorrow want to come? Well, you get the point. I answered as many questions as I could while looking for an escape. Soon I found an out, with a bathroom call and a quick good bye, I was on my way home to type my story up for you.

Merry Baby Jesusmus and to all a good night!

Herr Falco

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December FREAK!

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The Day: December 6th 2013

The time: 4:30pm EST

Location: Suburbia, mid-west USA

As we look down from our lurker vantage point we see a young, full-of-vigor and handsome Herr Falco feverously working in his yard, preparing it for the icy grip of winter that is on its way. The Temperature this day is a balmy 46 deg F. and Herr Falco is in a stylish light jacket and fun colored stocking cap. Even from this distance we can hear Herr Falco cursing Al Gore and his stupid Inconvenient Truth as he walks in overlapping straight lines back and forth through his lawn.

Suddenly from the distance Herr Falco hears the long forgotten sound of small wheels rolling down his street.  This stops Herr Falco dead in his tracks, looking up at the origin of this noise. Herr Falco processes this odd sound in his mind and he finally realizes what he is seeing.

A teenage girl is also outside taking advantage of what is surely going to be the last “warm” day till spring. As she makes her way through the neighborhood, she turns down Herr Falco’s street. The girl is confronted by the more of the norm for this time of the year, people putting up last minute Christmas lights and the last of the leaves being raked up. Half way down the block her Royals jam is interrupted when she feels the intense stare of Herr Falco fall on her.

As their worlds collide, the teenage girl on her skateboard and Herr Falco mowing his lawn, they share the same look with one another. “What are you doing FREAK?!?!? It’s December!”  

Herr Falco

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So, it has been a while since we last posted on here. I hope it gave you time to go through our archives and read some of our older (maybe funnier) posts.

Now that winter has set in and a new year is upon us, we have started working on making Snarkward even better for you in 2014. The coming changes will be slight so, don’t freak out! We’re not going to alter your internet world like Facebook does every 6 months or harass you like Google+. What we have been working on is expanding our media vision.

In 2014 we are working on bringing you our first international correspondent from the Philippines. We have also been experimenting with YouTube and some video production so we can bring our blog to a whole new audience and snarky level. We are also working on being more regular with our postings. As we get older here, we have realized what our grandparents have been talking about all along is really true; a regular unloading is good for the body and mind. So, please take notice of the changes as we roll them out and enjoy.


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Mission (mostly) imPossible

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Mission (mostly) imPossible

Play the theme music… Handed to me on a bar napkin

…”Falco, should you chose to accept it, your mission is to get a post on Craig’s List- Best Of. You cannot employ direct request from social media or friends to nominate you into social media fame.  This message will forever stick itself to the bottom of a pint glass in 3,2,1”…

Accepting my mission, I set off, researching 100’s of other Best Of posts, I came up with the following.

Wanted- Your Recipe

Hi, Last week while mowing my lawn, I found an upside down paper plate in it.  I assume this plate blew in the day before, from your recycling bin that was emptied by our rage-filled garbage man (you know what I’m talking about).  Normally, I would just mow over this trash and let the lawn eat it but something inside me said, “Spare the Plate, spare the plate” so, I picked the plate up and noticed that it still had some food stuck to it.  For reasons I can only understand now, I was compelled to smell the hard, leftover food residue on your discarded party plate.  Then, without remorse, I licked that plate and Holy Crap did that baked bean smear taste Awesome! Out of some form of dignity and/or shame I was not going to tell anyone about this.  However, your beans have followed me through my dreams and consumed my thoughts.  I can no longer live without your recipe!  If this was your plate please e-mail me your recipe and or leave it in the replies for everyone, I can only hope that this outreach to the universe, will end the torment of my bean-less soul.  Thanks

I’m not telling you what to do but you know what needs to happen…


Herr Falco

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The other day I had another great adventure.  What’s important about this is the MEME that came out of it. MERICA!

Herr Falco

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Drunk Action Team Unite!

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As I get older (close to 40), I find myself living out potential scenes from Old School 2 (Ben Gay on the Street). Recently some friends and I combined our nerd powers and formed a new league; the Drunk Action Team! So we are not alone in our personal search for the vigor of our 20’s, I’m going to lay out the rules of our new league, the Drunk Action Team! So, you can make your own Drunk Action Team!

1- The Drunk Action Team! needs to consist of at least 3 members. As there is no “I” in the word team, and we all know “me” is the only person that works on your TEAM at work, the Drunk Action Team! is a posse and there are People in this Posse and Ourselves! (Shut up, that analogy so works!)

2- What some would call the Murtaugh rule; At least 2 of the Drunk Action Team! members need to be too old for this shit. (If you do not get this rule, you are not too old for this shit!)

3- The quest the Drunk Action Team! embarks upon should strike a fine balance between being easily completed, while sober, yet not so difficult as to not be completed while smashed, i.e. getting pub nachos from across the street 10min. before the pub closes.

4- Upon completing your quest, the Drunk Action Team! needs to regale your conquest to your un-amused significant others and those around you. Each Drunk Action Team Member needs to repeat the story of your conquest from your own perspective, while making your adventure ever more grandiose. 

5- At the end of your night, as a member of the Drunk Action Team!, each member needs to make one last request from their “side kick”, a run for the border! As we all know, nothing says you’ve had a good night of successful drinking than Taco Bell. Unless you’re from ‘Mericas Hat; then you run and get poutine. (It’s ok Canada, we all know fake Mexicans never cross your border.)

There you have it, now you can saunter off and form your own Drunk Action Team!, The next time you and 2 or more of your “friends” are at the bar.   

Herr Falco

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I give you bread! or something…

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Gear Vendors Fail

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Public Relations

Gear Vendors

I would like to “thank you” for making this letter/ blog post/ forum fodder so easy to write.  It takes a deep employee-commitment-to-a-belief-in-product-superiority-and-poor-customer-service to get me so riled up, that I would vent my dissatisfaction with you in so many public ways.  So that you understand why I am so mad, I will lay out my dealings with your company and how I feel about them in the order that they happened.  Sit back, as I break this down all Unsolved Mystery style.

October 2012 (End of the month): The overdrive solenoid on my 82 Volvo died preventing me from engaging 5th gear on my Volvo’s transmission.  I contacted you to get a new solenoid. I was told this will be no problem, as your over/under drive units and Volvo’s overdrive unit are mechanically the same (You guys bought Volvo’s overdrive patents and started making your own improved product.).  I was very happy at this point, as your re-manufactured solenoid is cheaper than Volvo’s replacement and it comes with a good warranty.

February 2013: The overdrive solenoid I purchased from you starts to fail, pulling so many amps on my Volvos wiring harness that it fries the circuits relay and blows numerous fuses in the fuse box.  Thinking that the Volvo’s wiring harness could be the culprit for the solenoid pulling so many amps, I build a completely new harness/ circuit and install a new Volvo relay ($40). No luck, the failing solenoid proceeds to fry its new harness/ circuit again with a 40+ amp draw. 

This is when I contacted you through your website, to see how many amps your solenoid should be pulling and at what amperage draw the solenoid is considered defective.  I received no reply from you about my online inquiry for a week.  That’s ok though, I know the internet is hard and big.  That is why I decide to call you.

So, I called you (around 4pm EST) and am promptly redirected to a voicemail where I ask the same questions I asked online.  I receive a call back at 7 pm-ish EST (I understand how time zones work, so should you) by one of your customer service reps.  First, I am arrogantly told that your solenoids very rarely fail and that it must be the car’s wiring that is causing my issues. I was also informed, in a condescending tone, that you do not service Volvos.  What? Did you forget about what you told me in Oct?.  I then explain that I have built a new harness for the overdrive solenoid and experienced the same issues as with the old harness. After talking some more with your seemingly-distracted service representative, we agree that I will get some official amp drawing readings and get back to him the next day.

I called back the next day and talked to your service rep again, to report my amp measurements.  Once again, I am told that your solenoids rarely fail and am forced to endure a lecture on how you test your solenoids, before they are shipped, i.e. Heated in a magic chef toaster oven and then hooked to a loose car battery.  Finally, your service rep relents from his products-superiority-lecture for a brief moment, and agrees that there may be something wrong with this solenoid.  Your service rep then tells me that he will send me a replacement solenoid under warranty but with some conditions.

1: I will pay for shipping. – Really, It’s your part that has failed, it’s not a pair of shoes I didn’t like the color of and you now have to re-stock them!

2: This will be the ONLY solenoid that you will cover under your “unlimited mileage, 2 year” warranty. – For all the hype on your site about this warranty, I am truly amazed that I would be given only 1 replacement.

3: I understand that you do not service Volvos and that this is not a Volvo part, which could be the reason for the solenoid’s failure.  Which is why, I will be getting only 1 warranty replacement. – First off, way to alienate a whole group of uber-loyal car fans!  Secondly, your overdrive unit is an improved Volvo design and the solenoid in question is a direct bolt in part for my Volvos overdrive unit.

Finally, I agree to all of your service reps conditions and give him my card credit card # to pay for the solenoids shipping.  I then ask what the shipping charge will be, roughly.  I am told by your service rep that he can not calculate that till it is shipped. Ok, sure… I then ask if an e-mail can be sent with the shipping cost and tracking # once the Solenoid is shipped.  Your service rep agrees to my request, I think.

Insert Wanes World time warp sounds here as 2 weeks pass by.

March 2013 (Beginning of the month):  Having not received my replacement solenoid or an e-mail with a tracking # and shipping cost yet, I decide to give you a call (Why am I the one always calling in this relationship?).  Your nice secretary tries to find me in your system but can not, because you have misspelled my name so badly, I can not even offer a suggestion for her to look under.  Finally your secretary finds me (she thinks) and tells me that my part was just shipped the day before.  My reply to her was; What?!  How can that be? Your service rep guy said that he would send the part out soon. (I am sure your secretary gets this reaction a lot.).  I then hang up with your nice secretary and started to think about writing this letter.  Your secretary then calls me back twice leaving 2 messages on my phone stating that she had wrongly told me the ship date due to the bad spelling of my name and that my part would be there shortly (For a second there, I thought this relationship was all about me giving you things.). 

2 days later: Your replacement solenoid is delivered.  I open the package and find the solenoid to be clean but with a metal shaving stuck in between the first o-ring and the valve body and promptly posted photos of this on my Facebook and Twitter feeds.  I then ask myself “I’m sure the part is good, right? Quality control and cleanliness don’t walk hand in hand together?”  Products are never recalled from contaminates ruining them, no never!  So, I call you again to relay how I found my replacement solenoid and was promptly transferred to yet another service rep.  After I explained the reason why I was receiving a warranty part, I informed your service rep of my concerns with how I received the solenoid from you.  Your service reps reply was “So, I do not understand what the issue is? We are a machine shop here, we machine stuff all the time.  Your solenoid was fully tested before it went out the door (In a Toaster Oven).  The solenoid is brass and you stated that the metal shaving looks like aluminum. So, there is no way that other aluminum shavings could be in the solenoid as it is brass.” I then ask your service rep what would happen if this solenoid failed within 6 months like the last one I received from you. Your service reps reply was “Well, you will just buy another one.  We test every part that leaves our facility (back yard shed) and the fact that this part is going into a Volvo, which we do not supply parts for, is why you are only getting 1 replacement under warranty.”  I then asked what happens if I do install this solenoid and an unseen shaving works it way into the valve body of my overdrive unit causing me to make further repairs to my overdrive. I am told that this will not happen, that I should just pull the shaving out and install the solenoid.  Finally, your service rep did offer at my cost to ship the solenoid back to you and he would then ship me a different unit. I declined this obviously generous offer, telling your service rep that I would be bench testing the unit on my own.  If I found an issue with this replacement, I would not be dealing with him for the warranty issue and hung up the phone. 

After all of this, I have installed your solenoid.  Currently it is working, but so did the first solenoid I purchased from you (at first).  When this solenoid fails, as I believe it will before your “Best in the industry” 2 year warranty is up, I will not be contacting  you directly (you have already made it very clear that I am not covered under your fantastic warranty now). I will instead be taking you to small claims court in my state, where I will be suing you for the cost of a replacement solenoid from Volvo directly and the cost of the court case.  I will also be posting this complaint letter on my blog and dropping a link to it on a few of the Volvo forums and my Twitter accounts and my FaceBook pages.  I would send you a copy of this letter via your “contact you” tab on your website but I tried that method of contacting you before and I am pretty sure that your service reps can’t use the internet.  I will also be sending a copy of this letter to the local Better Business Bureau that you are a member of.  I know they will have questions for you about all of this.                                        

Good Day, I said GOOD DAY SIR!

Herr Falco

PS. I know this rant is a little dated but, a thing like this needs to fester a little. A person needs to make sure that going full nuclear is the right option in a case like this. In the end I have dropped this bomb and Boom Goes the Dynamite!

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The Last Harlem Shake

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Ok people, we all know the Harlem Shake is as over played as Psy.  So, I made the Last Harlem Shake dance video that you will ever need to watch! You can thank me later. Now tell all your friends and spread the link (I’m not joking). The Last Harlem Shake

Stella your Queen

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