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Headboards are for……

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It was recently brought to my attention that everyone else on this site has had a shopping experience that they needed to write about.  Now, I would be remiss if I did not occasionally lurk around a conversation or story, only to interject with an epic one-up that makes everyone call B.S.  This story takes place in a land far, far away, in a past that is still being revealed to everyone.  During this period of my life, Tita B and I were just starting to hang out, and this may not have been a good “Hey this is me, want to date situation” to expose her to. Anyways, I will write this all out in script format for my own enjoyment and easy reading. 

Fade in Exterior:

A very very nice K car pulls up to a mattress store on a nice summer day and we see a young Herr Falco and Tita B get out.

Enter Interior:

Herr Falco and Tita B enter the store with mattresses all laid out in rows.  Up walks a sales clerk. A middle-aged woman who would be no better dressed or attractive to you than your own, slightly overweight-suburbanite-loves-seasonal-sweaters mom.

Clerk:  Hi, how can I help you today?

Herr Falco:  I am looking for a new bed (wanting to answer a stupid question with a stupid answer)

Clerk:  Is there a certain type of mattresses that you two have in mind or do you have the time to for me to walk you around and show you the differences?

Herr Falco:  I am looking for a posturepedic mattress. 

Clerk:  Oh great choice, we have a good selection that can really take the abuse for a lot of years.

Tita B. to Herr Falco: (Hushed with hand up to mouth) She thinks we are a couple! You need to set her straight.

Herr Falco to Clerk:  That is what I need, is a bed that will hold up.

Clerk:  These three models do not need to be flipped or rotated because the springs in them are designed to support heavy loads in one area.

Clerk:  These 4 over here require flipping and rotation but they have a longer warranty by a few years.

Herr Falco:  I don’t mind flipping a mattress if the warranty is better.

Clerk:  That’s good.  You look plenty strong enough to handle this mattress properly. (winks)

Clerk:  These two mattresses also have stain guards and odor blockers woven into the fabrics.  I highly recommend that for the elderly and the active.

Herr Falco:  (looking at Tita B.) I have been known to be active so that sounds good.

Clerk: Great we have one of these in stock.  Would you like it in blue or tan?

Herr Falco:  I will take it in tan.

Clerk:  Let me show you our box springs.  I will not waste your time on the twin sets. (Hushed with hand to mouth) They are not very good.  My husband and I have been through a couple sets now.

Herr Falco:  Ok?

Clerk:  We have these two types of springs. Go ahead and stand on that one.  See how you press into it.  Now stand on the other set. That one really supports you.  Bounce up and down some, see how it takes it?

Herr Falco:  I do think the second one is really what I need.

Clerk:  Great, what about a head board?

Herr Falco:  No I don’t want a head board.

Clerk: Well, Let me show you one just in case.

Herr Falco:  (Exchanges a look with Tita B. that can only be classified as WTF.)

Clerk:  This is the one that my husband and I have.  He really likes to grab it right here (she grabs the side and shakes it some then pauses and pauses some more) …when he is sleeping.

Herr Falco: (Verping in my mouth) No thanks, I think I will still pass on the head board.

Clerk: Would you like a frame?

Herr Falco: No

Clerk:  Good, good that will really make your set last a lot longer under heavy use.

Montage:

Herr Falco signing paperwork and setting up delivery and the like.

Exit Exterior:

We see Herr Falco and Tita B. getting in to his very, very nice K car.

Tita B:  Why did you not correct her?  That entire time she thought we were some dirty sex crazed couple.

Herr Falco:  How do you stop that? She was on a roll.

End Scene Fade to Black.

So there you have it, go ahead and call  B.S. if you want.  Tita B will back me up on this one.  Just recognize that I just trumped your “I hate my cashier” story and gave you a nice little play to act out later.  Enjoy!

Herr Falco

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Posted in True Snarkward Story February 9, 2010 at 7:35 pm by Herr Falco

3 comments

3 Replies

  1. Fraulein Furioso Feb 10th 2010
    Fraulein Furioso

    Nice post! Although, not really a hateful cashier, just a totally awkward/unintentionally hilarious one. : )

  2. Wow, and I thought underwear shopping with a guy as a first-time-hanging-out situation was uncomfortable but this….

  3. Herr Falco Feb 10th 2010
    Herr Falco

    And to think she still married me. I am sooooo smooth!