Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon (Lil House style)
So I had this idea to turn Little House into a drinking game with my besties Sassy Sassmouth and Fraulein Furioso. But I got so caught up in the drinking part, hours before they arrived, that I forgot all about any game. Just played the one in my mind, it was between me and the wine, where Mr. Shiraz beckoned me to consume glass after delicious glass. Don’t ask, just go with it. But I will say that a little (or a lot) of wine makes crying on the prairie bearable. Oh, yeah, Herr Falco joined us for shits and giggles. And I’m clearly unsober at the moment so forgive me if this post wanders or
Maybe I should just let them answer some questions about Little House, season 6, Back to School parts 1 & 2. Super, quick recap: Pa is injured in a freak runaway millstone accident, Nellie gets her own restaurant, Laura falls for Almanzo, Nellie can’t cook, Ma goes to work while Pa recuperates, some commentary about women’s work, Laura sabotages Nellie & Almanzo’s romantic meal, Nellie gets even by screwing Laura over on her test, Laura attacks Nellie in the mud, Almanzo cleans up a crying Laura, Pa beats the shit outta Almanzo, both men call Laura a little girl and she goes ballistic. There, everyone caught up?
This was a two-parter, so that denotes some sort of ‘special episode.’ Could you feel the specialness?
SS: There was specialness seeping from every pore of this episode. After all, it’s when we’re introduced to Almanzo — not Zalmando or whatever that shrill Mrs. Oleson kept calling him. Even at the end of the two-parter, Laura says she knows that she’ll be Laura Ingalls Wilder someday. [Cue eye rolls and cheesy music.]
FF: Oh, could I ever! Especially when Laura shrieks that she is “A woman! A WOMAN! And I hate all of you!” Best. Lines. Ever. I may have to start randomly saying that.
TB: I could only feel it when the music told me to. Otherwise, I didn’t know what to feel.
HF: I often feel “specialness” about certain things in my pants. This “Special Episode” however did not evoke such feelings for me so I will have to say, sort of.
This episode introduced the world to one Almanzo Wilder. Laura sees him and it’s love at first sight. Be honest, you had a secret crush on Almanzo too, didn’t you?
SS: I totally crushed on Manly when I was younger — and now I wonder why. His hair deserves its own time zone.
FF: I did not. The whole love-at-first-sight business, as well as when she dreamily called him “Manly,” just made me want to vomit. Even as a youngster, this made me violently uncomfortable. Also, I now only see Hank Summers when I look at that guy, and he forgot to take Buffy to the ice show on her birthday. Fail.
TB: I did when I was 10. Now, I find his forced acting annoying and his awful hair aggressive. It’s gonna get ya! I think that’s what caused Laura to be a tree-carving slut. She carved her & another boy’s initials into an earlier ep, but first sight of that Manly hair and she forgot all about him.
HF: I did not have a crush on Almanzo. I did lust over that chick magnet of a buggy he piloted oh so right.
Who is more vindictive in this episode, Nellie or Laura? Who was ‘asking for it’ more?
SS: Nellie is the biggest bee-atch the prairie’s ever known, so she totally got everything she deserved.
FF: Nellie, obviously. She is always the bad guy. She barely even needs a motive to be a little prairie beyotch.
TB: While Nellie is the obvious choice, Laura’s screaming that she’s a woman makes me think that she was asking to be knocked down a few pegs.
HF: I will have to say Willie. How much chalk did he waste on the prairie? They must of had a calcium carbonate mine under the town mill to supply him alone.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how would you rate the crying in this two-parter?
SS: I give it a 4. The crying in this episode certainly did not live up to the tear shedding found in other episodes.
FF: It was pretty average. I mean, no one went blind or set anything on fire, so….
TB: Two. I was hoping for more. There’s never enough when you want it and too much when you just wanna see some… no, there’s never enough.
HF: I am going to give it a 2 for a total lack of tears.
Who thinks the mud fight was a little risqué for the prairie?
SS: Who knew Girls Gone Wild found it’s origins on the prairie? And Manly seemed all too eager to insert himself into the situation, if you know what I mean.
FF: Me! I think Michael Landon was a secret pervert, and couldn’t resist a good mud fight. And when Almanzo was dragging a struggling Half-Pint out of the mud? Yikes. Tone it down, Little Pedophile on the Prairie.
TB: Oh, the music said it all!
HF: Chicks + Mud+ Fighting, Always= H.O. double T hott.
Pa Ingalls. Way too tan for a fully clothed farmer with big hair? Or prairie sage?
SS: Um, aren’t farmers, like, supposed to have FARMER tans? The real Pa Ingalls — a total prairie sage! Michael Landon, not so much.
FF: Yes! And his gleaming white teeth, to boot. Did they have dentists in Walnut Grove, or did he have to roll all the way to Mankato to get those veneers?
TB: I love Pa, flowing locks and all. I always thought my dad was the Asian Pa Ingalls. Except my dad didn’t have to fake ‘n bake and he wasn’t a farmer. And he wasn’t so much a prairie sage, as he was a strict disciplinarian with a quiet, intimidating Yoda-like stare.
HF: Neither, P.I. as his hommies called him at the mill, developed his tan while helping the town ladies with their “Chores.”
WTF is up with the cheesy prairie advice? This isn’t The Brady Bunch.
SS: Oh, isn’t there just a little mischievous Laura Wilder in us all? Thanks, Little House, for helping us to navigate the ways of the world.
FF: I don’t know, but I’m surprised Ma was so calm about Laura being in “lurrrrrrrrve” with a much older dude.
TB: Don’t tell me what to do, Michael Landon.
HF: Prairie advice is a misdirection used within the prairie matrix to hide glitches in the system.
I found a couple of recipes for ‘cinnamon chicken’ online. Who’s up for trying some?
SS: Bring it, though I questions to origins of such a recipe. Isn’t cinnamon for like cookies and French toast? Whatevs, I’ll try anything once.
FF: That sounds like a waste of perfectly good chicken.
TB: Uh, it sounds like it would be dry and that I cannot abide.
HF: Nope, I am good. Hot chicken is better anyways.
What have we learned from the citizens of Walnut Grove, in this episode?
SS: Thanks to Ma for teaching us that there’s no such thing as women’s work — with the aid of the Bible no less! Pa should know by now it’s futile to question Ma. Just get the towel and dry those dishes already!
FF: Never, ever trust Nellie.
TB: Prairie rage abounds on the banks of Plum Creek.
HF: P.I. is a brawler and will beat a bitch down!
Half Pint Ingalls. What should your prairie nickname be?
SS: Well, I certainly don’t think Sassy would get me far on the prairie. My Sassmouth ways would do nothing but relinquish me to the corner of schoolhouse with Willie Oleson.
FF: Rattlesnake Furioso.
TB: I was mistaken for Native American once, so I guess my prairie name would be Kills with Mind-grapes.
HF: I would be Doc Brown a crazy inventor that always rambles on about the time and how we need a clock tower or the rail road to finally come through.
Tags: LHotP, Michael Landon, shiraz, The Brady Bunch