Snarkward

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Three Fives for a Poke & Show

It’s been a while, Friends.  I’ve missed you all so much!  But I’m back and let’s get right to it, shall we?  Don’t feel too bad, though, cuz it’s not personal.  Apparently, I’ve been a bad friend to not only to my Snark pals, but in other areas of my life.

So I recently returned to regularly visiting my friendly, neighborhood acupuncturist.  It’s like this is almost a confessional, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.  It’s been 6 months since my last visit.”  I know what you’re thinking.  “How can a snark betch like me be into, let alone benefit from, holistic health care, when the whole idea is to calm the body, mind and spirit?”  My answer:  I’m open and flexible.  Wait, that came out wrong.  Let’s just get back to the story.

Ok, I’ve been away just long enough for everything familiar, about this office, to become foreign.  The staff is new and they don’t know who I am.  They don’t know that I am special, that I get preferred treatment, that the rules for booking appointments don’t apply to me.  (“Yes, I understand that he’s busy, but would you please ask him if he can squeeze me in?”)  They are unaware that I not only used to run that office, but that I also dabbled in my own holistic health practice out of that office.  They are unaware that I am family, in the most literal sense, I am blood.  Most importantly, the woman I met tonight seems extremely unaware of her own surroundings.  The hot mess extended beyond her unbrushed hair and unkempt clothes.  Her half-open eyelids accentuated the look of total bafflement, I received, when I asked to book my next appointment.  Was this woman even conscious?  (“Hello? We both heard him say to you that he will fit me in first or last.  Could you get on that please?  I have a life to get back to.”)  Maybe she’s a zombie.  It was hard to tell.  Then my bill for an herbal supplement came to $5.00.  I handed her a $20 and asked if she could break it.  Her bewildered “I don’t know” was so quick, so casual, so unconcerned, it made me wonder whether she meant that she didn’t have sufficient petty cash or sufficient knowledge in making change.  It took her nearly 10 minutes to count back $15 to me.  I think she got lost somewhere between 4 and 5 dollars and had to start again.  “I’m sorry, Honey, here ya go… 1, 2, 3, 4… wait, did I give you back?… no… ok, 1, 2, 3,…” <AAARRRGGGHH!>  Hey, I don’t wanna tell anyone how to run their business, especially a calm and serene place as this.  But, holy f*cking shit balls!  This lady is the initial point of contact.  They’re allowing her to talk to people.  She’s like an alternative med cock block.  Not a good marketing strategy, but she could be the new action figure from Archie Mcfee.  (“Perhaps you should talk to your boss about holistic treatments for clarity of mind, alertness, 4th grade math and basic hair brushing techniques.”)  I think my treatment today was negated upon exiting the patient room.  <sigh>  Good thing I was able to wrangle that first appointment next week.

Namaste, Bitches!

Tags: acupuncture, hot mess, zombie