I’m Tired of the Sad Sack Parade
WTF is going on here, people? The caliber of candidates walking into my interviewing room is on a steady decline. I’ve been noticing it for a while now, and I’ve tried to ignore the simple fact that some people are stupid. There are literally dozens upon bakers’ dozens of websites outlining the basic dos and don’ts of interviewing etiquette. Everything from how to dress to what questions you, as the interviewee, should ask are covered. I’m thinking though that people don’t even bother anymore, to which I answer more assuredly “You’re NOT hired!” Let me just paint a picture for you. I love my job. For once in my life, I can honestly say that I love what I’m doing. It’s a professional job, with highly qualified people surrounding me. We apply a unique skill set to meet the needs of a professional clientele. The company is the best I’ve ever worked for and my bosses’ generosity and appreciation is unparalleled. That’s right, folks, TitaB is happy with her job! For some reason, they have placed in my charge a whole department of people. Can you believe that shit? And you know what? It turns out that I’m a damn good supervisor. Don’t scoff. It’s true. I keep it lively and fun. And I let people know what a good job they’re doing. And I show my appreciation by giving my staff what motivates them the most. Incentives work wonders. I don’t put up with shenanigans, but that’s just to establish boundaries, you know. So when I interview people who are morons, it just frustrates me. As if I have all the time in the world to waste dealing with people who can barely string two coherent words together, let alone coherent sentences. Here are just a few in recent past.
TB: Please, tell us a little about yourself and give us your reasons for leaving your last job.
Interviewee 1: <pause> <pause> <lengthy pause> I like computers.
TB: Uh-huh. What about computers do you like?
Interviewee 1: <uncomfortable pause> Robots.
Um, no thanks. I have no patience for engaging further with this line of remedial thinking. I’ve got deadlines to meet, Turtle, and your 5 minute pauses between answers are really cutting into my day. I don’t care if you’re destined to design the robots that will eventually revolt and enslave mankind. Actually, I do care about that, but I’m still not hiring you.
TB: Why did you leave your last job?
Interviewee 2: I’m bored and I want more money.
I was bored immediately with this interview. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? How about you check out the excitement on the unemployment line? There’s always some form of entertainment happening down there, just so you know.
TB: What skills do you possess, which you feel would benefit our department?
Interviewee 3: <pause> <pause> I like to fix dirt bikes.
Now, that last answer might have been okay, if I was managing a dirt bike repair shop. But I’m not. I manage an office full of people working at computers, dealing with paperwork. So, fixing dirt bikes is not in the realm of skills we’re even interested in. Did he not understand the question? Perhaps he doesn’t have a better answer. Clearly, he doesn’t, or I’m assuming he would have used it. Also, when the Work Experience section of his resume says “None” and he’s listing hobbies as skills and he’s wearing acid-wash jeans with holes in the knees, it’s not a promising interview.
One woman had difficulty staying awake during the interview. Why even bother? Just because you name drop doesn’t get you a job here. Go take your nap elsewhere, Sleepy Smurf!
Another woman came into an interview wearing scrub pants. I, mistakenly, let it slide because the interview itself went very well. She was currently working part time in a medical-type job, so fine, scrubs make sense… somewhat. She was engaging and had great answers to our questions. We told her of our Business Casual dress code, with which she said she was fine, but somehow that translated in her brain to wearing tight sweat pants and a cropped shirt on Day 1. We spoke to her about the dress code and she came in on Day 2 wearing jeggings. JEGGINGS! Those are leggings with a faux denim print for those of you not in the know. Stretch pants for those of you stuck in 1989. And btw, those have always been a privilege, not a right! Once again came a discussion with her regarding proper attire, to which she denied ever being notified of the dress code policy. Really? You’re gonna play dumb with me? You’re gonna lose. Day 3, she didn’t make it through the door before she was sent home to change. She was resistant to leave and even asked if there was a possibility of transferring to another department. Um, they follow the dress code, honey. She asked if she could remain punched in, while she went home to change. Who the fuck is this chick? NO! 30 minutes later, she called HR, from home, and said that she didn’t own a single pair of appropriate pants or jeans and would need to go to the store to buy some. But she would need to wait for the banks to open, in order to get money to buy said pants, so she’d be in around 10 am. HR told me of this phone call and I was like, “How about we call her back and tell her not to bother buying the jeans and not to bother returning?” Done, and done. For someone who seemed desperate for a job to feed four little mouths at home, she didn’t even make it a week.
She was actually the first of three people I fired within 2 weeks. Gah! I don’t have patience for is laziness, entitlement and disrespect. I’m so over it, friends. If I didn’t have seats to fill and deadlines for these projects, I’d say that’s it. But, alas, I must forebear. Therefore, I will update you on the revolving door of stammering idiots.
Tags: dirt bikes, jeggings, robots, sad sack, sleepy smurf