As fashion trends come and go, we all have items that are no longer acceptable to have in public. We hold onto these fashions hoping that one day they will be back in style. I myself have quite a few Fashion, oh no he didn’t, in my changing room. One item I cannot let go of or stop wearing is my Fanny Pack, Butt Purse, Uni-Sex Bag, Ass Tote, or Euro Trash Hip Pocket if you may. Not that I want to bring the Fanny Pack back into style, I just wanted to write an ode to mine.
Oh, how you came to me in my youth. You were as cool as my neon orange Chuck Taylors and Spuds Mackenzie (The greatest lesbian ever.). You could be spotted on nubile rappers or the runways in Paris. You were made from everything, patch work leather, denim, Lycra, even polyester. You were embroidered with such phrases as “Keep On Truckin” and “Niagara Falls”. You brought together all walks of life from sports enthusiasts, euro trash to child molester all equally on the same terms. Your slogan could have been “Need an extra, easy to get to, fashionable pocket? Well, here I am.” Probably your best attribute was your ability to come in many sizes. My friend had one that could hold 4 cans of New Coke, while mine still carries everything I need for a Mtn. Bike ride, and yet somehow, no matter your size, still manage to make everyone’s butt look big, BRAVO!
My Fanny Pack was made by Cannondale, back when they personally made more than just bicycles. Cannondale lovingly crafted you, my Fanny Pack, in waterproof heavy weight rip-stop nylon. Army green with neon green accents, you are still cycling HOTT-ness Fanny Pack! For years now, you, my Fanny Pack, have traveled the U.S and the world with me. Always by my side (butt) when I’m out of country, letting others believe that I’m Canadian and not another stupid American to deal with. You Fanny Pack, were not just for fashion for me, you are my utilitarian clothing tool. So devoted to your one job of holding things close to my butt people would consider you to be Amish. Not Amish in that weird (they don’t have computers so they are not going to read this) cult way but in that way they make awesome fake fireplaces way (you know what I mean), the Amish are dedicated to the task at hand (that’s it). And now, even though your Velcro isn’t very Velcro-y and your zipper has lost some zip-ness, I, with love and devotion, will never give you up, Fanny Pack. Into the sunset we will travel, you Fanny Pack, full of hard candy and me, using your holdings to talk to pretty young ladies!