Merry late Christmas Story (Or the Baby Jesusmus edition)

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Every year crazy Auntie B invites me to her mega church to watch their Christmas story, and of course, every year I oblige her. I have often thought that Auntie B believes that if I go, the play will be so good that I will start watching Fox news and start fear mongering (with God’s blessing, of course) with them.

Auntie B promised me this year was going to be extra spectacular. Well, Auntie B was right. The play was #spectacular, spectacularly bad! So bad, that I cannot wait to tell you all about it.

Let’s start with the church’s setup or the play’s stage, if you will. Auntie B’s mega church has a sound system of such plenty, that any raver and their friend Molly would be twerking in the aisles for the lord, once the house (the Lord’s DJ- Moses) drops the beat. The church also took the time to include the handicapped (The deaf and those with A.D.D.) in this production by installing 3 HD projection screens that show exactly what is in front of you. Finally, the pièce de résistance, the lighting; we are talking full spectrum LED cans in the plenty, full motion lasers, gimbaled and synchronized multi lens projectors, strobes, did I list LASERS? I think you get the idea of what baby Jesusmus has brought to the yule tide table this year for the telling of his story.

This year’s play was about the making of the Baby Jesusmus manger story. A string of random people would come out to “Audition” for the Manger and through their over-shared, Maury Povich, life stories, we learned a baby jesusmus lesson.

Then the rock band would start to play, the choir would sing and I would be blinded by the light show. At one point, I was blinded by a laser.  After regaining my vision, I am sure I saw Matt Giraud swaying back and forth plying his velvety voice, for all the lusty church ladies. This is when my mind checked out till I was brought back to reality by an all female a cappella group that would have scared me straight (if I was gay). These ladies sounded so bad, I’m sure they mistook the crowd’s silence as reverence for their awesomeness and not for the sheer shock of what we were hearing.

Finally the whole Baby Jesusmus show came to an end and we all sauntered out of the worship hall. While trying to process the majesty that was just laid before me, Auntie B rushed over to accost me with questions; Did you like the show? How did you like the message? What was your favorite part? There is another showing tomorrow want to come? Well, you get the point. I answered as many questions as I could while looking for an escape. Soon I found an out, with a bathroom call and a quick good bye, I was on my way home to type my story up for you.

Merry Baby Jesusmus and to all a good night!

Herr Falco

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