I was going to write this week about my new mustache- Sir Georg El Mustachio but breaking news has just come through that I now need to write about.
The owners of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (PBR), in conjunction with someone else, have purchased Hostess, more importantly Twinkies! This is the answer to all my hipster prayers, a virtual, green deep V-tee, t-rex, gravity filtered, Necco wafer, Hell’s Kitchen, Baby Jesus wet-dream come true. In all the excitement, I almost forgot about my list of all-encompassing demands for just such an event. So, let’s just pull my ready-made list out of my pocket-watch pocket and fill this thing out.
Demand 1: PBR and Twinkies need to be next to each other in my local food co-op!
Demand 2: No advertisement should be televised for PBR or I will stop buying it!
Demand 3: The fond childhood memories I have of Twinkies, will not be destroyed with new and improved packaging or taste, or I will stop buying it!
Demand 4: That I be recognized as the first person to put PBR and Twinkies together, creating a complete vegan meal.
Demand 5: Demand 4 is never to be brought up in casual conservation with me. Demand 4 will only be talked about on social media.
Demand 6: I want PBR and Twinkies to be included in the same earth friendly recycled packaging (together).
Demand 7: Demand 6 will be referred to as the “Pac”.
There you go, that’s my demand list. I’m going to sit here for a spell as I drink my free trade chai latte with a double drop of organic, locally sourced, almond milk and ruminate on how my Urban Outfitters jeans need to be returned.